MY HIATUS

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Hi gang

As you more than well aware I am a person with a lot to say on pretty much any subject whatsoever!

Over the last two weeks I have had nothing to say to amy of you because I don’t know what to say about me any more.

Ten days ago I found out that my cancer has started to spread. What they thought was a benign tumour has become something entirely different and become pretty aggressive. It has doubled in size in the matter of three weeks. We don’t know what has set it off or why we just know that it is and we now have to deal with it.

Ten days ago I tried to kill myself!

I attempted to overdose on painkillers but as I was just starting to “black out” the plan was to drive my car off the warf where I had parked. Unfortunately I could not get my fingers to work enough to turn the cara engine on. I then passed out. When I woke up the next morning I vomited and continued to do so for the next three days. I refused to call a doctor until Sunday who then gave me an injection to stop the nausea.

Why did I do it?

One of my biggest worries about all of this is that I’m going to become a burden on other people. If I take me out of the equation I am therefore able to take the problem away as well.

As they say once you hit rock bottom the only way you can go is up. What I had done had come to the attention of a few people and they arranged a sort of intervention of sorts, each making sure that I have checked in with them regularly and promise each and every one of them that I would not attempt to do anything like kill myself ever again. Ever step and action that I have done over the past week has been monitored by at least one of the watchers.

Among all of this the man that was my ex and I became a couple again. I finally broke down and told him the truth about how I feel about him after I did the whole truth and honesty thing with each of my intervening watchers. This time he and I promised to be more open and honest about our relationship and so in order to gain something we both want out of the relationship we have opened it up somewhat so I can find someone (one person) I can trust enough to sleep with. I thought it was going to be D (the boy toy) but he has gone weird since T (The Husbear) and I became a couple again. I don’t know why he is being weird about it – he too is in a relationship with a hideous looking Gaysian lad (he has a horrid underbite which makes him look “less than intelligent”).

As of tomorrow I am going to be starting chemo. Which means each day I have to front up to the hospital and there they are going to give me some whizz-bang tablet to see if it will slow down or diminish the tumour. The doctor told me to have Sunday night off work so I would be well rested before hand…SERIOUSLY??? All I would be doing is laying in bed looking at the ceiling or playing Assassin’s Creed: Unity. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the way I am stressed and freaking out tonight.

Some of the other instructions from the doctor… No more doing weight lifting (machine or free weights), I am able to do a light cardio and if I insist on doing something with weight I am not allowed to lift anything heavier that a 5kg dumb bell in each hand. After all of this time you think I am going to be happy with this??? All of the good work that I have put in over the past year with now all go down the toilet. After officially loosing 32kg so far this year I am terrified I am going to put it back on. It’s common knowledge that muscle burns up fat while at rest and without the weights I am going to loose muscle mass. Just when I was starting to like my body I am going to loose it again.

He also said to avoid stress and if I could stop working for a while and rest that would be ideal… Seriously I don’t own a bank or a 24/7 therapist / masseur. I still have bills to pay and without work what am I going to do with my day – I will be insane but cancer free – I would rather keep my sanity for as long as I can thank you lol. In that light I am going to take a break from blogging for a while.

I think I need to put it on hold until my head is in a better place.

I hope you are all good to each other and to yourself.

I will return but not until the new year probably…

Until later
G

DEAMONISING THE SAINT

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Ten-Things

Hi gang

I have no idea where this week has gone but it has in fact passed and things seem to have been left with a smell of faeces and bitter grapes.

So lets start with this weeks list…

01. The facility passed accreditation (only just though). The accreditation team liked the work that I had done for the facility apparently. It was mentioned that the paperwork I created makes something that was incredibly painful to read into something easy to understand and follow. However, they went through the place with a fine tooth comb because of the reputation of our manager. I did like the fact that they made some of the managers who seem to only be here for the money not the staff squirm quite a bit farcing them to be here until late into the night trying to “fix” the problems. Now that we have passed Everyone is congratulating management for all the hard work they have done and the workers on the floor are yet again left out with not even a thank you for all their hard work.
02. Bought tickets for the boy toy and myself to go to a dance party called ‘Bulge’. I don’t know how I got roped into buying the tickets for both of us when I’m only going to be there to keep an eye on him. That being said when a few people found out that I was going a number of people have messaged me telling me that they are looking forward to seeing me again – especially brainy smurf from Melbourne.
03. I’m not sure if I have spoken about the nature of the dance party this is… It is an underwear party. Basically it is a bunch of men stripping down so they can get down on the dance floor. Or the bathroom or the back room where ever the mood strikes them – so to get into the spirit of things I have bought underwear from my favourite online underwear supplier . It’s an Australian supplier so its good to support a local compny instead of continually using international suppliers.
04. I have been working on my editing work – I really wish that it would go faster.
05. I relented and got myself an iPhone 6 Plus. I wasn’t going to but it’s happened now. I must admit though it is nice to be able to see some of the details on the screen – my eyesight has got that bad over the years :(
06. I had the odd experience that from the Friday morning 7am until just after 8am Sunday morning, I had 3 hours sleep (2 x 1.5 hour lots). I actually can’t remember getting home Sunday morning nor getting into bed. After having such a small amount of sleep I had a solid 6 hours worth and now I’m so wide awake I could jump puddles.
07. It was a weekend for performances this weekend. A young lass I know performed her show for Feast festival ‘Constantly Craving K.D.’, she is a natural in cabaret performances. Also it was my sons first performance of the show ‘The broken showgirl’. He was fantastic in it, a few moves were a little rigid (I think he was just nervous) but on a whole he was just amazing. The guy that was his dance partner was so freaking delicious with his blond hair and blue eyes – drool. The lead guy from the show was off key at times when he sang which made his performances a little bit hard to bear at times.
08. Because after all of these years I have decided that I want to start experiencing / experiementing with a variety of non-vanilla sexual activities my son introduced me to a phone app similar to Grindr. It is less known and it advertised via word of mouth more than big budget advertising campaigns. My son has encouraged me to look for other people to date and hang out with other than the boy toy because of two reasons, 1) he still has a boyfriend and until they split up I will always be the mistress (for a better term); and 2) he is still not out to his family and dating someone who is not out is to mentally exhausting. Since I joined up I have been chatting to another guy who is once again younger than myself (Yes I have a type and they’re usually twinks) – he seems sweet enough so it will be interesting to see if it goes anywhere.
09. Last week I announced that I had over 800 followers on my tumblr blog. However after one of the posts I made of me was reblogged to answer a question about why I wear an old iron key instead of a conventional pendant on a piece of leather. My response explained how my grandmother taught me that wearing something iron will keep the mischeivious fae away. because of late I’ve been tripping over thigs that aren’t even there and I am constantly looking for things I swear I put down in a particular spot and when I return they are no longer there. Since then I lost a number of followers because I came out of the broom closet. I had one personmessage metelling me that they coulldn’t follow me anymore – they could accept the gay geek thing but a pagan/wiccan that was too much for them.
10. Assassin’s Creed: Unity was released this week and I can tell you the game play is different to the games prviously. The graphics are simply amazing especially on the big screen television at home. I think I am going to thoroughly enjoy playing this one which is set in the French revolution. There is also Assassin’s Creed: Rogue but that one can wait until I have this one played out. It’s good to have something to play again – something to distract me from the world when it gets too unbearable.

I still haven’t put my Christmas tree up (I will do that on the 1st December I decided). Supanova Pop Culture expo is on next week here in Adelaide, so if you haven’t got your tickets yet you better get cracking. If you see me there come and say hi – I won’t bite (well I might if you ask nicely enough).

So much for a weekly round up, this thing is a freaking essay.

Anyway I will let you all know how Supanova goes

Until later
G

PLAY IT AGAIN SAM…

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Ten-Things

Hi Gang

With the accreditation of the nursing home I work at looming (actually the accreditation team arrive tomorrow) this week has been a a bit of a mixed bag of good and bad aspects.

01. Tried to get more editing work done but failed to get the motivation and so only a few pages have been done – bit disappointed but with everything else going on I’m not at all surprised.
02. Created cheat sheets/ duty statements for other unit. They were received well by most of the staff, but as usual there are the select few that hate change and are digging in their heels. Well suck it up Buttercup, because things are changing and it’s only for the better!
03. New Grayson comic was released – I kid you not the writers and artists have the gay readers chomping at the bit to read the next issue (I may be becoming a Grayson convert)
04. Bought myself a male chastity device. Now I just have to wait to put it on. The boy toy is going to be my key holder for the duration of its “attachment”.
05. Agreed to be the boy toy’s sober companion for the night later on this month at a dance party. He is wanting to partake in some recreational party favours and I’ve agreed to keep to the sidelines and keep and eye on him – making sure that nothing too bad happens.
06. They bought new computers for us at work so when the accreditation team arrive they think that we are all up to date etc. However they have updated the system as well and hardly anyone knows how to use it. I know how to use it but I will admit I really don’t like the new log in protocols. It just seems backwards and not user friendly.
07. In the process of getting the facility new computers they didn’t notify any of the staff and all of the computer work that I was working on e.g. cheat sheets and duty statements etc have all been lost. I was luck to have tracked down hard copies of what I had done and working on – I went and bought myself a cheap USB and keep that on me now so I don’t have it happen again.
08. Outdid my weights again at the gym in weight/sets/reps. I feel as though I am going forward in that aspect (1/2 a kilogram more and I would have lost 30kg so far this year)
09. Had a really flat couple of days I could feel my depression trying to take hold of me pushing me to do nothing but sleep, listen to sad music and watch sad films. As hard as it was I was able to force myself out of the house and go to the gym to try and work the crap out of my system through hard work and heavy weights.
10. Now have over 800 followers on my Tumblr blog. That to me is huge to think I am not alone out there in the universe that likes the same sorts of things.
BONUS FOR YOU ALL…
11. After being “told off” for not being honest and open about the surgery and what I am having done etc I made a grand statement and told everyone. I was matter of fact about the whole thing and asked everyone not to worry as it is something that can be worked on/with. I was lucky most people responded kindly and respected my wishes and not made a fuss.

Well that the quick and dirty post for the week

Hope you are all going well and being nice to your loved ones.

One last thing before I go… Here in South Australia there is a tradtiion that when on the weekend of the Christmas Pageant families around the state put their Christmas trees up. Considering it is only the 10th of November, do you think it’s too early? I kind of think I do. I would love to hear your opinions.

Until later\
G

RUNNING OUT OF TIME

Ten-Things

Hi gang

So for the next few weeks you’re all going to be seeing the above picture in my weekly blog post. Because time is short and I am running out of the time that I need to get a crap load of stuff done for work (Both jobs), Uni, gym and still having time for myself I have to cut my blog back a little.

I will do short posts throughout the week if and when I can but at the end of the week I will do a fairly decent size post to catch you all up on the various aspects in my world.

Here’s my 10 things for this week…

01. My housemate went on a date thus confirming that he is a lying douchebag and used the asexuality excuse when in fact he only wanted to break up – most disappointed
02. I had my tattoos touched up and had further discussion about what I am going to do in the background of the sleeve – Bludhaven cityscape with bats?
03. Was accepted into the Supanova family – I will be doing front of house / security for the weekend
04. I grew some balls and called bullshit on some of the things they said and then laughed when they tried to A) backtrack and B) obviously lie again.
05. Attended my friends 27th birthday party – I took the boy toy with me as my plus one (even now 36 hours later I don’t know if that was a wise move)
06. Was screwed around in the attempt to get dry ice for the boy toy (and not just by the supplier)
07. Started working back in my old ward/unit/department now that the psychotic/scizophrenic woman who thought I was trying to kill her died – It was good to have a change of scenery
08. Been asked to help get my old ward/unit/department back into shape again – duty statements, continence aides etc
09. Tried to host a halloween party with a friend and ended up sick – I didn’t even have to paint myself green
10. Continued editing my book and am now at chapter 11

That’s it – it doesn’t sound liek a lot but I had to limit it to 10 items otherwise I would be here all night.

Hope all of you are happy out there in bloggy world

Stay safe
Until later
G

WAX ON. WAX OFF

Hi gang

Well Halloween has come and gone for another year. This year was kind of a hand full trying to get everything ready for the night. There was costuming to organise, food, drinks, decorations etc etc etc…

So this week has been a bit of a write off in terms of personal time and patience. I am positive that my body hates me and when I try to make it move or generally do stuff when it doesn’t want too it fights back. I have been planning this for a few weeks so the week leading up to the event wasn’t going to be too stressful. I’m glad that I did organise and start working on this earlier because the closer it got to the event the harder it was to source materials I wanted and/or needed.

So after getting and set everything up for the night, my body decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to start feeling sick. Where do you think I ended up spending Halloween? At home in bed with a sick bucket :(

Hope your Haloween was better than mine

Until later
G

A PERSONAL TRUTH

Hi gang

Some time ago I spoke about how my ex / Now housemate had disclosed his sexual preferrence as asexual. He said he was not attracted to anyone and could not see himself with anyone in the near future.

Last night after a fairly hectic day and very minimal sleep I decided to go to be early. While laying in bed reasing a new book “Klingon Art of War” I overheard a conversation between him and someone (I found out later to be named Scott). I know I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping but I couldn’t help myself after I heard the line “I miss you too.” I’m sure that if you heard that you would have listened in as well.

Im not sure if many people are aware of the sounds of flirting… The difference in the laugh of a person, the slight change in octive etc. Last night I heard the lot If I was sitting out there I would have seen him bat his eyelids and flick his hair as well. Worse thing is because I was so tired I fell asleep but I fell asleep angry. A few hours later I when I woke up I felt sick to the stomach because I had got so wound up about it. I can tell you now that was me for the rest of the night. At 4am I was unable to sit in my room and look at the same four wall any longer so I grabbed the dog and we went for a drive to help clear my head. I know the dog enjoyed it too with his head half hanging out of the window. We ended up getting back around half past five.

After I rang my son to make sure that he was up and ready to go to school at 7 I lay back down for a couple of hours before I went to get my tattoo touched up. Just before my alarm went off at 9, he came and knocked on my door asking when I needed the bathroom to have a shower etc because he needed to get ready to go out. I then confronted him and asked him if it was a date. Like a naughty puppy he looked at the floor and answered yes.

I’m glad I have some self control because it took everything to not jump out of my bed and rip his throat out. It was then I uttered 5 words that made me realise I had become an adult “I’m really disappointed in you”. I kid you not, a person can do many things to me and I will forgive them and/or make excuses for their behaviour… However, if you lie to me I will hunt you down and I will make you bleed! I don’t know who was more shocked that I didn’t loose my shit, him or me. After telling him I was disappointed in him I then went on to tell him why I was so disappointed – the fact he lied; he manipulated me by using my field of research as a tool to do it; the fact he was a coward; and because of this I didn’t know if I could trust him (someone who I thought would never lie to me and did it so easily). Deep down however I was more disappointed in myself for allowing myself to trust someone else and have them destroy my faith, again.

Later on after he got home from being with his gentleman caller he reluctantly told me that the date was a bust and that he was so wrapped up in himself that my housemate could hardly get a word in. Great talker, Bad listener. (Okay so I’m going to gloat for a moment here.) He had one of the best things in his life – someone who was smart, understanding and allowed him to have his own time alone etc and he threw that all away on the prospect of what could have been. He has no one to blame but himself.

Until later
G

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

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Hi gang

Well I just got an Email back from the organisers of Supanova Pop Culture Expo and they have approved my volunteer application.

If you have never heard of Supanova here is the website so you can see what it’s all about and who it coming… http://www.supanova.com.au/

From what I have heard it is going to be very much like Oz Comicon which I volunteered at back in the first half of the year. I had such a gerat time that when some of the other said that they were going to volunteer for Supanova I got the details and applied as well.

At Comicon I hade the great pleasure of meeting and assisting some of the cast of Charmed (especially one of the only 3 women that I would go straight for Shannen Doherty). She really was funny once she dropped the ice queen persona. I guess that is just part of her coping mechanism to deal with fanboys like myself. I kid you not I have loved her since she was in a movie titled “Heathers”. If you haven’t seen it – watch it and watch it now – its a bit dated but holy moly it still gets me all giggly.

So now I have a new goal for me at the gym, to try and look even better for when I meet and greet celebrity X. If you have a look at the guest list you will be able to pick it straight away. I know I will have to get his autograph for myself and *someone special* as we are both fans of his most recent project.

So that is good news and something to keep my mind focused while I waste the next few months.

Until later
G

JUST TOUCHING BASES

Hi gang

So I haven’t been well this week. If you read my last post you know why. Total number of days 10! Can you believe that 10 freaking days and I tried every trick in the book to make it happen. Because I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk upright or concentrate on anything hence the gap of time between posts.

During this week I’ve kept away from everyone as much as possible. However I did have the joy of rediscovering an old friend, Luke. Luke is a teddy bear which has a wheat pack in the centre of it. Hence the name Luke (short for luke warm). Because the housemate was at work during the day I was able to cry and hug Luke in peace.

Since the break up I have found myself conflicted a lot more about what I should do. I hardly stay at home if I can and try and be sociable with others, then while at home I lock myself up in my room avoiding everything else. This week especially because I’ve been in such intense pain.

I want to scream out at him tell him he hurt me, but in all honesty he did nothing wrong. He found out something about himself that he needed to work on and I could only be a by-stander and support his choices because that is what friends are for.

As for my the other *special someone* Something deep down inside is telling me that it doesn’t all add up. I just have a feeling that one is going to go nowhere, but for the moment he is a distraction from all the BS that’s going on in my head.

My best mate is leaving the state for a few months which is going to make me more antisocial than before.

I downloaded a countdown / timer for my phone and keep looking at how many days I have before I go in for the operation (86 days) It seems like a lot when you look at it like that but I know that over the Christmas period it’s going to go extremely fast and it will be here before I know it. Until I know everything is going to be okay I need to keep everyone away from me so they don’t get dragged down with me.

Until later
G

BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE

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Hi gang

I have a rather delicate topic to discuss with you all in this post.

Have you ever had a time where you found it difficult to go to the toilet (we’re talking here number 2’s)?

As part of my condition I have this (as I can only describe it) as a pendulum bowel. At each end of the pendulum the extremes, either I have the runs so bad I am literally too terrified to pass wind or I am so constipated that swell up like a balloon. Both extremes hurt for varying reasons. However one happens for a much shorter period than the other. I believe to highest number of days without a pooping is somewhere in the 12-13 day region. While the highest number of consecutive days of having the runs is 2-3 days.

During the “normal” times treasure the fact that my stomach doesn’t hurt, and that I can go out in public and not be frightened about being too far away from a public bathroom. Worst thing is I never really know when either one of these bowel attacks is going to take place which can make for really embarrassing moments. As most readers know I enjoy going to the gym, it has become part of my everyday. These extremes make it hard to train. When I have the runs I hate doing cardio because I can’t get into a good rythm/pace because I have to stop and start constantly. As for doing weight/resistnace training while I am constipated makes me almost cry in pain because the slightest bit of pressure on my abdominal area (bracing yourself etc) makes it feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly with a blunt knife.

Today at the gym I found that my stomach was hurting while I was doing the leg press (currently have it up to 107.5kg). So I calculated it out it’s been 6 days since I last went. I don’t know how I let it happen. Life mostly, it just needs to be lived and because I try and forget that I have this problem (more successfully than I would like to admit) and it’s not until I present with the symptoms that I realise I had let things get to a certain point. Another side effect of not being able to poop is the sluggish feeling you have throughout your body. Cardio is again an issue but this time it’s for vastly different reasons it feels as though you’re moving through malasses because of the lethargy is causes.

So that’s it for poop talk. It’s something that we all take for granted until you either can’t go or you go far too much. Hope I didn’t goss too many of you out.

Until later
G

END OF WEEK ROUND-UP

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Hi gang

For this post I’m going to just catch you all up on the little bits that happened this week – stuff too small to become a post by themselves.

When you stop and listen to the words that people are saying, do you listen to just the words or are you listening to the tones, the inflection and the subtle nuances in speak pattern?

Ive been thinking a lot about the two-way communication between people. This was because most of the conversations I’ve been having with *my special someone* this week have been via messenger services because our timetables didn’t really match up. Without the added extras such as “lol” and various emoticons conversations are extremely dull and come across as very serious. So when you’re chatting to your potential future partner those little extras help make the conversation lively, fun and at times cheeky.

As I walked into a resident’s room a few nights back, she informed me that she always feels better knowing that I am walking into her room. When i asked her how did she know it was me, she said that I am very sure-footed. I had to quiz her on this concept because (aside from having mild dementia) saids some weird and wonderful things at times. She told me that the way I walk shows I am confident and in control of “the situation”. Yes I like to be in control, that’s just part of being an A-type personality, but as for confident… not on your nelly! This confident air, is a mask that I wear to make the residents feel better. In my home and personal life, I shy away from social interaction because I get tongue-tied and forget social protocols. A mate of mine thinks there are three reasons I’m like this
1. Because I have been in a long-term relationship. I don’t mingle with people anymore (also put on “happy” or “content” weight as part of the relationship)
2. I spend far too much time on Tumblr. He thinks most of the people there are weird and anti-social.
3. I have been studying far too long and think more like an academic at times and less like a person. Especially around the gay community as this is the focus of my studies I tend to analyse them more than communicate with them.
Part of me thinks part of all three may be correct.

I finished my Archery course and have graduated top of my class – yes you heard me top of my class! I’m not competitive much lol. In the last three ends we shot 6 arrows each shot and out of a total possible 180, I managed to get a grand total of 168. Yay me. For each coach there were four students. However, where I was shooting from in my group I was also listening to the instruction of the coach with the next group and was mixing the two sets of information into one lesson. Smart move I think, and listening to both got me the good scores I wanted. Now I just have to go and get my compund bow sorted. The guys at the club gave me the contact details for the man in the know. So I will call him in a few weeks once I have a few more $$$ in my pocket.

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before but I have a MAJOR addiction to pumpkin spice, especially Pumpkin spice latte’s. So I did it I tracked down the ingrediants to make my own pumpkin spice and I’m pretty freaking happy about the result. I have put a small sprinkle in my ordinary decaf coffee at work and the whole this smells heavenly. I also warmed up some almond milk and stirred a little into it and I kid you not… my toes curled when I tasted it. If you would like the recipe here it is…
1/3 cup ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon nutmeg or mace
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cloves
1 1/2 teaspoons ground allspice
– Put all the ingredients in a sealable container and shake the hell of it until everything is mixed well. Use as needed/wanted or until runs out (whichever one happens first). I also sprinkled a little onto a tealight candle. Light it and let the wax melt a little, blow it out, and sprinkle it on the softened wax and then relight the candle. Trust me it’s worth the little bit of hassle… seriously the smell is so homely.

Until later
G

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