As you more than well aware I am a person with a lot to say on pretty much any subject whatsoever!
Over the last two weeks I have had nothing to say to amy of you because I don’t know what to say about me any more.
Ten days ago I found out that my cancer has started to spread. What they thought was a benign tumour has become something entirely different and become pretty aggressive. It has doubled in size in the matter of three weeks. We don’t know what has set it off or why we just know that it is and we now have to deal with it.
Ten days ago I tried to kill myself!
I attempted to overdose on painkillers but as I was just starting to “black out” the plan was to drive my car off the warf where I had parked. Unfortunately I could not get my fingers to work enough to turn the cara engine on. I then passed out. When I woke up the next morning I vomited and continued to do so for the next three days. I refused to call a doctor until Sunday who then gave me an injection to stop the nausea.
Why did I do it?
One of my biggest worries about all of this is that I’m going to become a burden on other people. If I take me out of the equation I am therefore able to take the problem away as well.
As they say once you hit rock bottom the only way you can go is up. What I had done had come to the attention of a few people and they arranged a sort of intervention of sorts, each making sure that I have checked in with them regularly and promise each and every one of them that I would not attempt to do anything like kill myself ever again. Ever step and action that I have done over the past week has been monitored by at least one of the watchers.
Among all of this the man that was my ex and I became a couple again. I finally broke down and told him the truth about how I feel about him after I did the whole truth and honesty thing with each of my intervening watchers. This time he and I promised to be more open and honest about our relationship and so in order to gain something we both want out of the relationship we have opened it up somewhat so I can find someone (one person) I can trust enough to sleep with. I thought it was going to be D (the boy toy) but he has gone weird since T (The Husbear) and I became a couple again. I don’t know why he is being weird about it – he too is in a relationship with a hideous looking Gaysian lad (he has a horrid underbite which makes him look “less than intelligent”).
As of tomorrow I am going to be starting chemo. Which means each day I have to front up to the hospital and there they are going to give me some whizz-bang tablet to see if it will slow down or diminish the tumour. The doctor told me to have Sunday night off work so I would be well rested before hand…SERIOUSLY??? All I would be doing is laying in bed looking at the ceiling or playing Assassin’s Creed: Unity. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the way I am stressed and freaking out tonight.
Some of the other instructions from the doctor… No more doing weight lifting (machine or free weights), I am able to do a light cardio and if I insist on doing something with weight I am not allowed to lift anything heavier that a 5kg dumb bell in each hand. After all of this time you think I am going to be happy with this??? All of the good work that I have put in over the past year with now all go down the toilet. After officially loosing 32kg so far this year I am terrified I am going to put it back on. It’s common knowledge that muscle burns up fat while at rest and without the weights I am going to loose muscle mass. Just when I was starting to like my body I am going to loose it again.
He also said to avoid stress and if I could stop working for a while and rest that would be ideal… Seriously I don’t own a bank or a 24/7 therapist / masseur. I still have bills to pay and without work what am I going to do with my day – I will be insane but cancer free – I would rather keep my sanity for as long as I can thank you lol. In that light I am going to take a break from blogging for a while.
I think I need to put it on hold until my head is in a better place.
I hope you are all good to each other and to yourself.
I will return but not until the new year probably…