A PERSONAL TRUTH

Hi gang

Some time ago I spoke about how my ex / Now housemate had disclosed his sexual preferrence as asexual. He said he was not attracted to anyone and could not see himself with anyone in the near future.

Last night after a fairly hectic day and very minimal sleep I decided to go to be early. While laying in bed reasing a new book “Klingon Art of War” I overheard a conversation between him and someone (I found out later to be named Scott). I know I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping but I couldn’t help myself after I heard the line “I miss you too.” I’m sure that if you heard that you would have listened in as well.

Im not sure if many people are aware of the sounds of flirting… The difference in the laugh of a person, the slight change in octive etc. Last night I heard the lot If I was sitting out there I would have seen him bat his eyelids and flick his hair as well. Worse thing is because I was so tired I fell asleep but I fell asleep angry. A few hours later I when I woke up I felt sick to the stomach because I had got so wound up about it. I can tell you now that was me for the rest of the night. At 4am I was unable to sit in my room and look at the same four wall any longer so I grabbed the dog and we went for a drive to help clear my head. I know the dog enjoyed it too with his head half hanging out of the window. We ended up getting back around half past five.

After I rang my son to make sure that he was up and ready to go to school at 7 I lay back down for a couple of hours before I went to get my tattoo touched up. Just before my alarm went off at 9, he came and knocked on my door asking when I needed the bathroom to have a shower etc because he needed to get ready to go out. I then confronted him and asked him if it was a date. Like a naughty puppy he looked at the floor and answered yes.

I’m glad I have some self control because it took everything to not jump out of my bed and rip his throat out. It was then I uttered 5 words that made me realise I had become an adult “I’m really disappointed in you”. I kid you not, a person can do many things to me and I will forgive them and/or make excuses for their behaviour… However, if you lie to me I will hunt you down and I will make you bleed! I don’t know who was more shocked that I didn’t loose my shit, him or me. After telling him I was disappointed in him I then went on to tell him why I was so disappointed – the fact he lied; he manipulated me by using my field of research as a tool to do it; the fact he was a coward; and because of this I didn’t know if I could trust him (someone who I thought would never lie to me and did it so easily). Deep down however I was more disappointed in myself for allowing myself to trust someone else and have them destroy my faith, again.

Later on after he got home from being with his gentleman caller he reluctantly told me that the date was a bust and that he was so wrapped up in himself that my housemate could hardly get a word in. Great talker, Bad listener. (Okay so I’m going to gloat for a moment here.) He had one of the best things in his life – someone who was smart, understanding and allowed him to have his own time alone etc and he threw that all away on the prospect of what could have been. He has no one to blame but himself.

Until later
G

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

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Hi gang

Well I just got an Email back from the organisers of Supanova Pop Culture Expo and they have approved my volunteer application.

If you have never heard of Supanova here is the website so you can see what it’s all about and who it coming… http://www.supanova.com.au/

From what I have heard it is going to be very much like Oz Comicon which I volunteered at back in the first half of the year. I had such a gerat time that when some of the other said that they were going to volunteer for Supanova I got the details and applied as well.

At Comicon I hade the great pleasure of meeting and assisting some of the cast of Charmed (especially one of the only 3 women that I would go straight for Shannen Doherty). She really was funny once she dropped the ice queen persona. I guess that is just part of her coping mechanism to deal with fanboys like myself. I kid you not I have loved her since she was in a movie titled “Heathers”. If you haven’t seen it – watch it and watch it now – its a bit dated but holy moly it still gets me all giggly.

So now I have a new goal for me at the gym, to try and look even better for when I meet and greet celebrity X. If you have a look at the guest list you will be able to pick it straight away. I know I will have to get his autograph for myself and *someone special* as we are both fans of his most recent project.

So that is good news and something to keep my mind focused while I waste the next few months.

Until later
G

JUST TOUCHING BASES

Hi gang

So I haven’t been well this week. If you read my last post you know why. Total number of days 10! Can you believe that 10 freaking days and I tried every trick in the book to make it happen. Because I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk upright or concentrate on anything hence the gap of time between posts.

During this week I’ve kept away from everyone as much as possible. However I did have the joy of rediscovering an old friend, Luke. Luke is a teddy bear which has a wheat pack in the centre of it. Hence the name Luke (short for luke warm). Because the housemate was at work during the day I was able to cry and hug Luke in peace.

Since the break up I have found myself conflicted a lot more about what I should do. I hardly stay at home if I can and try and be sociable with others, then while at home I lock myself up in my room avoiding everything else. This week especially because I’ve been in such intense pain.

I want to scream out at him tell him he hurt me, but in all honesty he did nothing wrong. He found out something about himself that he needed to work on and I could only be a by-stander and support his choices because that is what friends are for.

As for my the other *special someone* Something deep down inside is telling me that it doesn’t all add up. I just have a feeling that one is going to go nowhere, but for the moment he is a distraction from all the BS that’s going on in my head.

My best mate is leaving the state for a few months which is going to make me more antisocial than before.

I downloaded a countdown / timer for my phone and keep looking at how many days I have before I go in for the operation (86 days) It seems like a lot when you look at it like that but I know that over the Christmas period it’s going to go extremely fast and it will be here before I know it. Until I know everything is going to be okay I need to keep everyone away from me so they don’t get dragged down with me.

Until later
G

BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE

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Hi gang

I have a rather delicate topic to discuss with you all in this post.

Have you ever had a time where you found it difficult to go to the toilet (we’re talking here number 2’s)?

As part of my condition I have this (as I can only describe it) as a pendulum bowel. At each end of the pendulum the extremes, either I have the runs so bad I am literally too terrified to pass wind or I am so constipated that swell up like a balloon. Both extremes hurt for varying reasons. However one happens for a much shorter period than the other. I believe to highest number of days without a pooping is somewhere in the 12-13 day region. While the highest number of consecutive days of having the runs is 2-3 days.

During the “normal” times treasure the fact that my stomach doesn’t hurt, and that I can go out in public and not be frightened about being too far away from a public bathroom. Worst thing is I never really know when either one of these bowel attacks is going to take place which can make for really embarrassing moments. As most readers know I enjoy going to the gym, it has become part of my everyday. These extremes make it hard to train. When I have the runs I hate doing cardio because I can’t get into a good rythm/pace because I have to stop and start constantly. As for doing weight/resistnace training while I am constipated makes me almost cry in pain because the slightest bit of pressure on my abdominal area (bracing yourself etc) makes it feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly with a blunt knife.

Today at the gym I found that my stomach was hurting while I was doing the leg press (currently have it up to 107.5kg). So I calculated it out it’s been 6 days since I last went. I don’t know how I let it happen. Life mostly, it just needs to be lived and because I try and forget that I have this problem (more successfully than I would like to admit) and it’s not until I present with the symptoms that I realise I had let things get to a certain point. Another side effect of not being able to poop is the sluggish feeling you have throughout your body. Cardio is again an issue but this time it’s for vastly different reasons it feels as though you’re moving through malasses because of the lethargy is causes.

So that’s it for poop talk. It’s something that we all take for granted until you either can’t go or you go far too much. Hope I didn’t goss too many of you out.

Until later
G

END OF WEEK ROUND-UP

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Hi gang

For this post I’m going to just catch you all up on the little bits that happened this week – stuff too small to become a post by themselves.

When you stop and listen to the words that people are saying, do you listen to just the words or are you listening to the tones, the inflection and the subtle nuances in speak pattern?

Ive been thinking a lot about the two-way communication between people. This was because most of the conversations I’ve been having with *my special someone* this week have been via messenger services because our timetables didn’t really match up. Without the added extras such as “lol” and various emoticons conversations are extremely dull and come across as very serious. So when you’re chatting to your potential future partner those little extras help make the conversation lively, fun and at times cheeky.

As I walked into a resident’s room a few nights back, she informed me that she always feels better knowing that I am walking into her room. When i asked her how did she know it was me, she said that I am very sure-footed. I had to quiz her on this concept because (aside from having mild dementia) saids some weird and wonderful things at times. She told me that the way I walk shows I am confident and in control of “the situation”. Yes I like to be in control, that’s just part of being an A-type personality, but as for confident… not on your nelly! This confident air, is a mask that I wear to make the residents feel better. In my home and personal life, I shy away from social interaction because I get tongue-tied and forget social protocols. A mate of mine thinks there are three reasons I’m like this
1. Because I have been in a long-term relationship. I don’t mingle with people anymore (also put on “happy” or “content” weight as part of the relationship)
2. I spend far too much time on Tumblr. He thinks most of the people there are weird and anti-social.
3. I have been studying far too long and think more like an academic at times and less like a person. Especially around the gay community as this is the focus of my studies I tend to analyse them more than communicate with them.
Part of me thinks part of all three may be correct.

I finished my Archery course and have graduated top of my class – yes you heard me top of my class! I’m not competitive much lol. In the last three ends we shot 6 arrows each shot and out of a total possible 180, I managed to get a grand total of 168. Yay me. For each coach there were four students. However, where I was shooting from in my group I was also listening to the instruction of the coach with the next group and was mixing the two sets of information into one lesson. Smart move I think, and listening to both got me the good scores I wanted. Now I just have to go and get my compund bow sorted. The guys at the club gave me the contact details for the man in the know. So I will call him in a few weeks once I have a few more $$$ in my pocket.

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before but I have a MAJOR addiction to pumpkin spice, especially Pumpkin spice latte’s. So I did it I tracked down the ingrediants to make my own pumpkin spice and I’m pretty freaking happy about the result. I have put a small sprinkle in my ordinary decaf coffee at work and the whole this smells heavenly. I also warmed up some almond milk and stirred a little into it and I kid you not… my toes curled when I tasted it. If you would like the recipe here it is…
1/3 cup ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon nutmeg or mace
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cloves
1 1/2 teaspoons ground allspice
– Put all the ingredients in a sealable container and shake the hell of it until everything is mixed well. Use as needed/wanted or until runs out (whichever one happens first). I also sprinkled a little onto a tealight candle. Light it and let the wax melt a little, blow it out, and sprinkle it on the softened wax and then relight the candle. Trust me it’s worth the little bit of hassle… seriously the smell is so homely.

Until later
G

THE DISCONNECTION OF HOME

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Hi gang

Earlier this week the internet at my place shit itself. It was acting weird as in one minute you would have great speeds and then the next minute you would be disconnected from the service all together. I can tell you now it was so frustrating to do anything online. In the end I turned the wifi off on my iPhone and just surfed the interwebs etc on that. All I can say is thank god I have a charging cable next to my bed these days because it chewed up the battery something fierce.

Normally I wouldn’t have phone chargers or anything like that in the bedroom, but since the breakup and most of my office is now in my bedroom I’m now forced to have it in there.

Not having a proper internet connection really does make life difficult, especially when you are so reliant on it for connections, entertainment, research and shopping. There’s a line in the old Joni Mitchell classic ‘Big Yellow Taxi’…”That you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone”. That is so true for the interwebs. In the beginning the internet was something that parents feared would rot the brains of their children, just like the television decades before. Now there are very few homes without it because of it potential for what it can do. Notice I said very few? There are some people out there that have no need for the internet or cannot afford to have it connected. For most households what was once a luxury item is not considered a typical utility like the electricity and the gas.

On Tuesday when the Quondam (I’m trying that as a name for the ex – what do you think?) rang the internet people (which I was glad about) he was standing out the back while talking to them and without even asking he agreed to have a technician come and check out the line on Thursday morning between 9 & 12. So I had to finish work at 7 and then stay awake until the tech guy came to check the connection. I was kind of pissed off especially when he was given the option of morning or afternoon. When I asked him why, he replied that it didn’t occur to him that it would be a problem. God he can be a freaking bonehead sometimes. So when the guy arrived at 11:30 my eyeballs were half hanging out of my head from lack of sleep, at that stage I had been awake for 26 hours straight, he was asking me questions and I sounded like a complete twat when I answered them. He was only there for 10 minutes (if that). I was like…Seriously? You kept me awake for 10 freaking minutes??? Even then he was only there to do the initial consult and the proper technician was to arrive the following day “Sometime”. So that stuffed my plans for Friday because no one could give me a definite answer as to when the guy was coming. “Sometime tomorrow”… what kind of a bullshit answer is that seriously?!?!?!?!

The little man that fixed it (and yes he was little, he was shorter than me [I'm only 5'9"], and he looked to be old enough to be the one who originally set up the telephone lines and cables back in the area) was a darling little man. I happened to glance out of the window and saw him sitting in the gutter eating a sandwich. I went and offered him a cup of tea or coffee (he took coffee btw), so I made him a latte in a take away cup and took it to him. It’s always nice to treat others well, they are the ones that help you get by in the world or in this case connect to the world. Wherever he is tonight… Thanks little dude, your a champion! The problem was with a connection box attached to the lightpost less than 6 metres from my front door. Some wire got loose and as it was moving around we would gett internet while it was connected to the other wire but then it would drop out when it moved again. Honestly, when kind of stone-age connection infrastructure do they have in this area???

I’m glad the internet was fixed for today though to coincide with the release of OS X Yosemite (5.6Gb worth of operating system). All in all the internet is back on and I am happy to say that I was able to get the new operating system on my desktop and laptop before I came to work tonight.

I pray to the Goddess that I don’t have to go through all that again in a hurry!

Until later
G

MY MONKEY

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Today’s post comes from a reader question about how I come to have a son.

Hi gang

It’s funny how a simple joke or comment can become something or a catalyst for something. This is how I came to have a son.

For while I was friends with a lad (for this post I will call him Mr. J) and he was fun to work with here at the nursing home and his look as a new up & coming drag queen. During that time he found himself a companion (someone I now call Monkey). As many relationships go when people break-up the friends are divided between the two of them. I moved to (and very luckily so) the Monkey camp after Mr. J showed his true colours as post-pubescent psychopath. After their break-up Mr. J deleted me from the various forms of social media in which we were connected. After that time Monkey kept in contact and pretty soon we were catching up for coffee regularly. I would pick his brain about gay youth issues for my PhD (and he introduced me to a others who I informally interviewed on similar topics) and he would pick my brain about what he should do (what I would do) in certain situations.

Soon our catch up times became less about picking each others brains and more about just general chatting and hanging out together. I found out that he was a very talented artist and he had such a quirky sense of humour. He would tell me about the boy/s he was dating/sexting/screwing – what can I say he was never short of a good story.

One afternoon while sitting at Buskers (a coffee shop now gone – removed to make way for the revolting rundle mall refurbishment – something I’m still annoyed about) and his then Gymnastics coach stopped on his way past and said hi. During the conversation he paused and asked Monkey if I was his father, we laughed about it at the time and it kind of becaame an on-going joke. He would call me Dad while conversing over social media and while we were out catching up etc. There was one time he would did it just to embarrass the heck out of me. Anyway when I took up with my now ex (I really should come up with a better term for him if he is going to pop up in my posts from time to time) he became “second dad” or “step-mom” depending on how cheeky he was feeling at the time.

Nowadays anytime he introduces me to his friends he tells them “This is my dad, (insert name here).” I’m the one he rings when he needs help or is sick and needs parental-style care. An example of this, today he messaged me and told me that he lost his wallet and the bus company found it, they got in contact with him and said it was at their depot in the outer suburbs and he could pick it up there. So he asked if I would go pick it up and bring it to him, which of course I said yes. So he called the depot back again and told them his dad was coming to get it and gave my name etc. It was the same when he was sick the other day with gastro. In return for the help that I give him, I’ve also had to sit him down and give him a “talking to” about his future and the fact that he can’t stay on welfare for the rest of his days and now that he is over 21 he needs to make some decisions about where and what he want to do with his life.

Part of me thinks that I am transferring a lot of the guilt I have by not being involved in my own children’s lives onto Monkey. Another part is I see so much potential in this kid that I want to see him become something amazing (I already think he’s amazing, I think other deserve to see it as well) and make enough money that he doesn’t have to live in shared accomodation or have money worries.

Having him in my life has made it a hell of a lot richer (and at times poorer – it’s not cheap being a father these days aparently lol). To be honest if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be having my surgery in January. He is more often than not a guiding light in this dark, hellish pit we call life.

Just as a side note a hug from him makes me feel a million dollars and almost invincible because they are so heartfelt and genuine.

I would love to see him find a special someone, and get his dream of a “husband”, a home with a couple of dogs (furry children) etc. But until he finds his Mr Right, I will not doubt here about his Mr Right-Nows.

Until later
G

REAL WORLD Vs OUTSIDE WORLD

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Hi gang

I would like to add something that would brought up in a previous post about being part of the real world. When I spoke of the real world I was talking about life outside my usual four walls (these walls are – Work, Uni, gym and up until recently relationship). Being inside these four walls you tend to forget that there are people outside and a world that should be experienced. The removal of one of these walls (the relationship) has left an opening for me to experience the outside world again. Maybe that is what I should have called it “otside world” instead of “real world”. However when I was writing it I was being philosophical in thinking that with the four walls that I created around myself I was able to experience the “ideal” hallmark card style life. A life that was able to ignore the world around if it was considered ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ or just plain old ‘upsetting’. It was a fantasy bubble that kept me going and also so blinded that I couldn’t see when my now ex was having a hard time coping/dealing with his evolving sexual identity.

So yeah the is a real world and there is also an outside world. For me at the time I wrote the post in question “ALL IS GOOD” I considered the real world and the outside world to mean the same thing.

Until later
G

P.S. The sugar cookies turned out brilliantly and tasted great – especially with my vanilla flavoured almond milk.
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A LETTER…

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I had lunch with a friend and they attempted to tell me a few what they call “home truths.” Some stuff he thought that I needed to hear. The first bombshell was I shouldn’t have my tumour operation and just go out with a bang – a blaze of glory even. He has an affinity for the dramatic to say the least. Afterwards the little seeds of doubt that he had planted started to take root and had me thinking about some of my recent choices especially in regards to entanglements with people I have in my life – one more specifically. This led me to writing a letter that he will never see (hopefully)

Dear *My special someone*

Over the past couple of months I you have made me happier than I have been in quite some time. I usually don’t allow my emotions to take control of any situation but this time I they ran riot. Even when trying not to think about you, you pop into my head and it makes me smile. We both talked of future projects together and made silly plans to do them. To be honest I could honestly say I really liked and cared for you.

You know that I would do anything for you and have done so. At your request I have rearranged my timetable, and driven miles just to see your smiling face for only a moment. Now I am doing this for you.

It was pointed out that it was inappropriate that I continue our “friendship”. There were a number of reasons sited. So I will try and run through them as they were explained to me by my “friend”.

There is such a considerable age difference. This means that we would have nothing in common to talk about. I wouldn’t be able to keep up with someone younger than myself because I’m going to 40 on my next birthday. While you will still be wanting to go out and have fun until the wee small hours of the morning I will be either working or too tired to accompany you. Should I start looking at retirement homes for myself?

At the moment I am a ticking time-bomb with the whole tumour thing. You shouldn’t be stuck with someone who could get sick/die or even worse end up living with a colostomy bag for the rest of their lives. You deserve to be with someone young, fit and healthy. Granted this one does worry me but having two special people in my life (you and my son) demanding for me to have the operation because they want me around for a while yet has given me the jumpstart I needed to keep the fight.

My friend also pointed out that even our education statuses are poles apart, with me just about to finish my doctorate and you not even attending university. I don’t see that as a problem but as my friend pointed out that you may become resentful about or believe that I don’t think you’re smart enough. I understand the difference between book smarts and street smarts and know that everybody in this world has something (a talent or skill that is unique to them) that makes them special. These people are the ones that make sure that the world keeps going, while those that put themselves on their educational pedestal still don’t know how to change a washer in a tap or change a car tyre if it gets a flat and who do they have to call??? Those who they look down on and refuse to look at as intellectual equals.

Apparently looks are something that I also need to concerned with. It was commented that you have to look of a bogan and I need to be dating someone of extremely good looking. Because I am so sort after by painter and sculpters the world over, I should be only associating with the beautiful people. In all honesty I don’t care if you looked like the back end of a horse, as long as you make me happy, and treat me right.

To my friends disgust I recent joined the HEMP (Help End Marijuana Prohibition). He (my friend) believed that it was because of your influence. Despite the fact that I am a grown man and able to make decisions on my own. Truth is I know a number of people that enjoy the green and they know that I do not partake, it’s their choice. Just the same as it was my choice to smoke for years. I believe that free will is an illusion cooked up by the government to make those living in the world (Sheeple) feel better about what is happeneing around them. In this instance smoking the green is a lifestyle choice, something you choose to do on your own free will. I honestly believe that it would do wonders for the medical industry. In a way I wish I had thought about smoking it when I had cancer last time because the pain mind blowing.

So as you can see there are a great number of reasons that we shouldn’t be together. That being said I can think of some that convince me otherwise and they are the ones that are important to me.

I love the way your hand fits in mine like it was designed to be there
You make me smile
You know that I ama dreamer and need to be brought back to earth ocassinally
You take my feelings and thoughts into consideration before doing things

the list goes on but I think you get the picture. I continue our “friendship” because not because i do it in spite of anyone or because I am forced to do so, I do it because I want to and thats all that matters.

Yours

G

ALL IS GOOD

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Hi gang

I’d taken a few days off from blogging because life has got a little hectic and honestly there are only so many hours in a day.

I had Friday and Saturday night off of work Friday was my usual night off and I had the great joy of doing editing on my PhD (oh the fun!).

On Saturday I spent the day again catching up with friends, doing a little grocery shopping and gyming. That evening however I was halfway through baking a batch of sugar cookies I got a phone call from a friend who told me I had to go out with them because I should see what happens on a Saturday night in the real world (outside of work). So I baked the last batch, had a shower and headed into town. Embarrassingly enough I lsted an hour and a quarter before I decided that it was all too much for me to handle and went home. During that hour though I was introduced to a number of people. I tried to be friendly despite not knowing how to cope in such a foreign situation. I really need to go and do things more often with other human being besides going to work, gym and home. I thought I embarrassed myself with my social awkwardness, but apparently I caught the attention of a couple of people and they have been asking around to who I am and why they haven’t seen me around before.

I got up early and iced the cookies with frosting and sprinkles and set them aside to set. Went to archery for my second lesson on the Sunday morining and spoke to one of the guys about my compound bow and he said he would have a look at it for me (wOOt wOOt) and he would set up one of the clubs comounds for me to practice shooting with next week. Then I spent the afternoon with a special someone. He acted as my guardian and protector while I watched American Horror Story – I kid you not the clown in that thing made me almost have kittens mulitple times. then that night it was work as usual. However it was one of the busiest nights I’d had in ages, not even enough time to scratch myself.

It doesn’t sound like a lot but by the time Monday moring came around I was more than ready for my bed. That evening I had to make a mercy dash to my son. He sent me a 911 message and so I called him to discover he had gastro and he waited until the evening to tell me. So I finished my workout (I only had 5 minutes left) went home had a quick 3 minute shower and then drove 45 mintes to take him some medication and lemonade. I picked him up from his friends place drove him back home and after sitting with him for 30 minutes until he was almost asleep I drove myself home again. The things we do for our kids right?

Until later
G

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