HOW NOT TO LATTE

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Hi gang

About a 6 days ago I did what any newly single gay guy does and set up a new online profile. I have been out of the loop for a while and wanted to make some new friends. No (before you say anything) not friends who bump nasties, just friends. Someone to talk to, go the movies with, someone who will laugh at your sorry ass when you stuff up. Most of my friends have either moved away or are busy having their own happily ever after.

Most of us have heard of Grindr or Growlr or Scruff but I had not heard of gaydar so I set up a profile on there. My opening statement is “I am not looking for Mr Right or Mr Right-Now, I am looking to find some new friends.” Honestly when did “find new friends” equate to someone looking to hook-up? On Gaydar there is a feature (a lot like the facebook poke) and it is called a wink. Seems harmless enough you would think.

Nowadays apparently a wink means a hell of a lot more than it used to. To me a wink means “hey, hows it going?” a simple greeting and that then gives the other person a chance to view your profile and if they want to chat to you they either wink back or say hello. Apparently a wink means you want to have the soul slammed out of you by the person you winked at. This is how I found out about this definition of winking.

A few days ago a gentleman winked at me, so I looked at his profile and like mine it stated that he liked comics, cosplay, and fun geekery. So I thought hey yeah someone with the same interest so I winked back. So for a few days we chatted about things like which is better DC or Marvel, Marvel’s films and whether we liked the new series ‘Gotham’ or not. (PS I still don’t have an opinion and I have watched the pilot episode 3 times now) So this morning while debating with Robin was the best (Obviously it’s Dick Grayson the original and the best) he suggested that we catch up and have a coffee. Hey, I thought, why not. So we met at the coffee shop, he ordered a latte and I ordered a pot of green tea for one. So we sat and talked some more about film adaptations and out of the blue he leans across the table and says to me (I kid you not) “You know I don’t find you physically attractive.” For several seconds I paused with my tea cup still to my lips. It was those several seconds that I quickly decided what to do. I slowly lowered the cup and placed it back on the saucer, picked up my wallet, phone and keys that were sitting on the table and just walked away.

I had no idea what else to do. I was shocked. I was offended. All I kept thinking was “who the hell talks like that?”

Living so close to the cafe, I was home by the time my phone rang. I answered it and it was him. He felt he needed to justify what he said. He told me that he thought we were making a connection with each other and the natural progression was to meet for coffee and see where it took us. Ummm yeah the connection was called a friendship (dumb-ass). He stated that I was too buff for him. He wanted someone more heavier set, in other words he was/is a chubby chaser (I still object to that term but that is what a person I know tells me they like to be called). Seriously this guy did nothing more than make the situation worse by justifying it and thinking that was a good enough reason to stuff up what could be a cool friendship. He said to me “we can still be friends”. I’m sorry but the fact you even thought you were going to go there in the first place is enough to make me punch you in the head (metaphorically speaking).

What has happened to the gay community over the years, we were a very tight group of people. We made friends and supported each other because as a sub-culture we were shunned by the population as a whole. Nowadays because most of the “rights” battles are fought and won and they no longer need to hide who they are they no longer need to be friends or be around each other when they can get online and with the click of a button order up sex like dialing a pizza. Am I too old in my thinking? So yeah gay moron 1 – Gay friends 0.

Until later
G

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT…

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Hi gang

Tonight I asked a friend to come up with a topic for my blog post. The reason i asked her was recently my posts have been a bit depressing talking about problems I’ve been having etc. And at the moment I only have one (well two) issues and they are the blisters on the backs of each of my heels from my 2 hour treadmill sessions of late.

Anyway, Zoe came up with the topic of animals…
So without any further ado here is my list for the top 5 favourite animals…

1) Artic Wolf – This particular species of wolf is very near and dear to me as it is my spirit animal. It is a lone animal but with join others to form an ad hoc pack if the need arises. When I was doing a back pack tour of North America I had the fortunate opportunity to do a spirit quest with a elder of the tribe. The meeting was organised through a mutual friend. It was one of the most enlightening and powerful experiences I had ever gone through. Knowing that the Artic Wolf spirit is in and with me always makes me feel stronger. I have a tattoo of one on my right wrist.

2) Hippopotamus – These creatures look so gentle and squishy, but they can be bloody vicious if you piss them off. I have a plush hippo I sleep with by the name of Bert. He was a gift when I had cancer the first time and has been my good luck charm ever since. Hippo’s are very territorial and I think that is me in some way. I have told very few people where I actually live or invite people around because I like my private space. When I was in Zimbabwe I had the pleasure of being able to get up close to one and pat it, phenomenal!

3) Dog – They are loyal, cheeky, cute, and when they look at you (their owner) the love in their eyes lets you know you’re alive. I have had three dogs in my life. The first was Ben, he was a large Golden Labrador he is one of the happy memories from my childhood, he slept on my bed and my constant guardian and friend. The second was the “family” dog named Chloe, she was a Welsh Corgi, I was never really close to her because she was so attached to my female parent. Lastly there is Malakai, he is a Shih Tzu X Lhasa Apso = loads of fur no brain! He was the runt of the litter and was going to be put down because the mother had rejected it and was not feeding him. When I heard this I had to try and save him and I did he is now almost 6 years old and some would say unhealthily attached to me… I move he moves, I meditate, he quietly sits in front of me “meditating” as well. I bottle fed him as a puppy and trained him to eat solids etc so he kind of sees me more as a parent than a companion.

4) Chimpanzee – As a really young child every birthday I made a wish on my candles to have a functioning tail like a chimpanzee. There is something about these primates that makes me feel happy. They are so human-esk in their appearance but they are so cute as well. As a teenager I always wanted to own one so I could keep it kind of like a nixture of pet and child – kind of like Michael Jackson’s ‘Bubbles’. They are so intelligent a creature and the social heirachy and interactions are amazing to watch – I have fed one at a zoo once and it held my finger (like a boby does to a “big” person my heart just melted.

5) Penguin – I love the fact that when they find “the one” they stick to them for the rest of their days. There are gay penguins as well which makes them kind of cool as well. To look at a penguin you wouldn’t think they were much but they are so clever, adaptable and strong to face the natural elements and survive. They are adorable as well. When I first met Travis I thought he was going to be my penguin and I told him (gave him a 40cm tall plush one) so he would never forget he was to be my penguin, until that all turned to crap. Even so I still look for my penguin. And with my fear of birds, these are the only ones I will go anywhere near.

So that is my list and some of the reasons why.

If you have any topics you would like to throw my way please feel free to send them in and I will give them a crack.

Until later
G

THE CONFIRMATION OF FEARS

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Hi gang

I hope you’re sitting down with a nice cup of green tea as I break the news to you…

Yes, it turns out that the shadow that t hey discovered was a tumour, however it is benign. This in itself is a good thing. It is localised and it is operable. Now for the bad news… there is a 15% chance that because of the shape and location of the tumour I could end up with a colostomy bag. Mind you it could not turn into anything cancerous for many many years to come, it’s just something that I just need to keep an eye on.

Besides that I am in relatively good health and plan to keep making sure that I stay that way. I’m not saying that I am going to will myself better but I can tell you now that even though I am not yet ready to fight this thing, I’m not prepared to roll over an play dead either.

As the Goddess intended I shall hold my head up high and keep my spirits up with them. I’m not burying my head in the sand I am simply putting the non-threatening “thing” to the back of my mind and I will deal with it appropriately when the time is necessary.

Until then it is business as usual, Work; PhD; and snuggles with the new person in my life.
(I haven’t told him yet because I don’t think he needs to know at the moment – so if you could just keep it between you and I that would be great)

Until later
G

THE UNCERTAINTY OF WAITING

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Hi gang

So it came out the other day when we moved Travis into the space room that I was going in for exploratory surgery on the 26th September. I previously hadn’t told him because I was going to to take care of myself. That and he has an important job and his day is better suited to taking care of business.

What am I going in for???

Endoscopy and Colonoscopy.

Not sure if they are doing both at the same time or one after the other. If they do the colonoscopy first I hope they wash the equipment before shoving it down my throat. lol.

While I am having the procedure done I am having two specialists there with me, my gastroenterologist checking the Crohn’s bullshit, and then next to her will be my oncologist checking out a shadow they found in my last lot of scans and tests.

Am I worried???

In my last few tests I haven’t been because they have just been routine and run of the mill. With the day before drinking nothing but clear liquids, jelly, clear soup etc and downing the picolax to clean me out. Then you rock up the next day knocked out and have cameras shoved up your butt and down your throat. This time it’s different. This time they have found something before they go in so they will be looking even more closely than usual.

I think I have said to you all before I have fought and survived cancer 3 times so far and in the process lost half my bladder, my left testicle and the surgeon had to remove a golf ball size tumour from my thigh. I have a fake testicle now it’s name is MoQ (pronounced mock), it’s Klingon for ball. I also got a crap load of scar tissue which I had to have removed from scrotum earlier this year (almost 3 years after the initial surgery).

To be honest gang, I don’t know if I have anymore fight left in me. I feel as though I don’t have the strength to go through all the surgery, the chemo, and positive affirmation bullshit. Seriously! If there is something there and and they have to remove it, the oncologist has already told me that it means that I could end up with a colostomy bag for the rest of my days because of where it is. However if I do nothing I can just live my life with painkillers.

The only people that would know what was happening would be me and my team of doctors. I am 100% sain so they can’t take my will away from me and decide to operate without my consent. My life, my choice, my way!

Until later
G

DATE CODE: TIMING

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Hi gang

Since becoming single again I have had to start thinking about dating again. For me dating is one of those things that is both heaven and hell all at the same time. You put in a heck of a lot of time, energy and effort on a gamble that the person is mr / mrs right.

There are five types of dates that I can identify…
1) Lunch date: This is a great getting to know you kind of date. You only have a set period of time as most people have to be back at the office etc in about an hour. So there is no worry about what is going to happen afterwards is you don’t connect.

2) Dinner date: This is more formal type of date and requires much more planning than a luch date. These dates are for the more serious daters because there is potential that the date could end up back at someones place for more intimate connections.

3) Breakfast date: This is for people who either woke up next to each other and want the date / time together to continue or for those who are constantly on the run. A take away coffee and a bagel and a some time is all these take (unless you want to go out for pancakes). Of the three meal dates this is one that caters more to the high paid executive types because time is precious.

4) The coffee date: This can happen any time day or night and completely informal. The relaxed atmosphere of just catching up for coffee helps people open up as to who they really are and what they are like when they aren’t trying to impress with their fomality or a dinner date.

5) Going for drinks: This is different to catching up for coffee in that going out for drinks means that the night is nothing serious. Most of the time you are going to meet up at a bar and have a drink and then go home and sleep together.

For me I prefer the coffee date because formality is not my cup of tea and because I work such odd times I can meet someone at anytime. The best thing is you don’t have to go out for coffee. In summer you can go out for ice cream, or in winter hot cocoa and sticky date pudding. With the coffee date the best thing is most if not all cafes now have a food menu so you can slot a meal in during your time together if you want as well – casual as!

Until later
G

THE FIRST OF MANY

Hi gang

Congratulate me I finished the City to Bay fun run in just under and hour this morning. I really can’t believe that I did it and I didn’t make a total ass of myself at the finish line. For the last half a kilometer I actually jogged it. I power walked most of it because I was in the walking division but you are allowed to do short bursts of jogging (unlike the runner of the course who had to run the entire length). One of my friends came with me and she was she pushed herself to keep up with me. Afterwards though we were so happy with our result and time that we decided there and then that we are going to do the fun run next year and maybe look at either doing the 12km walking course or do the 6km run. Because we know that we can do the 6km walk we want to do better next year. We currently do not know our rankings etc but as soon as they are made available I will let you all know.

Yesterday was a bit if a downer though, we moved Travis into the spare room. Setting him up with a bed and all the stuff he needs to make it inhabitable. it took a lot of work but he is now set up in there. I spent that night alone in the bed and it felt a little weird to be by myself at night again but I think I might be able to get used to it. I used to do it before I met Travis so I don’t know why I can’t again.

After the fun run today I treated myself and had a Soy iced coffee – it was so worth it!

Then after lunch I caught up with Dillon and we took his dog (Boston) to the beach for a game of fetch and a walk along the foreshore. As we walked we chatted about anything and everything. I can tell you all now I am so freaking sunburnt after being out in the sun for most of the day.

However I hope today is the first of many days out with Dillon and Boston. I kind of like him (Dillon) and wouldn’t mind seeing more of him in the future.

Until later
G

THE DEFLATED BALLOON

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Hi gang

I have a theory… How often do we hear that from someone and think “Bloody hell! Here we go, another crackpot idea!”

Well guess what??? You’re about to hear another one. So sit back and enjoy the mind blowing ideas cooked up by my brain…

Stress is like a half-deflated balloon. It’s a simple enough statement but there is a reason why I have come up with that analogy.

It doesn’t matter if it’s relationship stress, work stress, or personal stress, for this to work you need to think of them all as the same thing. When you think about them they are. The siigns and symptoms of stress are all the same (I won’t bore you with the details if you want to find out more ask the great God Google).

Have you ever seen a balloon that has been inflated to the max and then deflated? It becomes stretched out of proportion and misshapen. NOTHING is as it ever was before. The thing about stress is, like the air in the balloon it increase and decrease. However each time the air/stress level decreases it leaves the balloon a little bit weaker and a little bit more damaged.

This is what happens to our psyche when we become stressed out, we think we can handle it because we “did it before” the body/mind/spirit that held the stress may have slight fractures or be misshapen. Because of this you do not truely know what the outcome of taking on more stress can bring.

In the end you either have to 1) get better tools to deal with the stress (i.e. a new balloon) or 2) the balloon bursts and you will still be finding small pieces of red latex years later behind the sofa (i.e. this generally means a complete breakdown).

Having just been through the emotional stress of a relationship breaking down I feel as though I was able to handle it better than I would say… 10-15 years ago. I know now that I can just blog about my problems and there is someone out there that is willing to give you a supportive work or a line of encouragement – even though you have never met before. Even if noone does read the blog post it is no longer in my head. To me it’s the same as writing it down on a piece of paper and then burning it to send it out in to the etheric (back in the times of yore), times have changed and we send things out into cyberspace via our computer monitors (how very techno-pagan).

I found working out gave me a chance to get all my agression out – chanelling it into something useful for myself instead of harmful and poisonous. Especially kickboxing the shit out of a punching bag. lol :D

If I’ve learnt nothing from my past e.g. being abandoned by my parents when I was a teenager, living on the streets and then going through the foster system, surviving and recovering from drug addiction, working as a teenage prostitute, and having cancer 3 times; is that finding a positive way to deal can make all the difference to having your balloon burst or keeping your balloon intact.

Not sure if any of that has made sense to any of you. I don’t know if that will help anyone but I thought I would just put it out there.

Did the Husbear and I break up? Yes. But we sat down and talked about it like adults and told each other how we felt without judgement or resentment. We worked out that for the past 12-18 months we became partners in crime instead of just partners.

Is he going to move out of the house? No. However he is moving into what used to be my office and I am going to take the master bedroom because I still need an area to study and write and he prefers to sit at the dining room table when using his laptop. I really does make perfect sense, we know each others routines, we know each others idiosyncracies, it is better for both him and I financially (besides were both on the rental lease).

Knowing that we broke up because of his change in sexuality status from gay to homo-romantic asexual makes the whole thing a little easier to handle. We didn’t break up because we hate each other, nor that he was a crack head or that he was cheating on me, it was because he needs time to work on who he is, something most have the chance to do when they were younger (he alas did not). Doing PhD research into the varying forms of sexuality in youth has given me an isight to the whole process and I am privillaged to help him through the next part of his journey.

Wow I didn’t think this post would go so long, lol.

Until later
G

HOW TO WASTE ALMOST 3 HOURS

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Hi gang

You wouldn’t believe it!

I successfully spent nearly 3 hours at the gym today. After stretching (10 mins) I did a bit of kickboxing practice (30 mins). That lead me to do a massive treadmill session (2 hours) and then another cool down (10 mins).

When I walked out of there today I was so freaking exhausted and my legs felt like jelly. However I did start watching the series Spartacus. Two episodes in and I think it could be interesting enough to keep me watching. Best thing is it has finished so I won’t be waiting for more episodes to come.

Somone told me once that your body needs fuel to keep going. So yesterday morning I broke up 3 bananas into a bowl, added a handful of dried cranberries and topped that with a cup of Greek yoghurt (it’s a combo I’ve been having for a while). After I finished at the gym I ate a handful of unsalted mixed nuts and had a big glass of tomato juice. That is all I ate all day. I looked in the fridge, the pantry and the freezer for something to interest me and I couldn’t find anything. You would think that with the amount of money I spend on Groceries each week there would be something… but no :(

If nothing else the fuel that I am burning up is that which I have in reserve i.e. the fat I collected during my period of post-cancer meds and inactivity. I can see it coming off and that is a good thing.

That all being said, my legs feel great now. I think they are getting used to the long long long treadmill sessions. The things that are feeling a little weird now are my arms after my boxing practice. It’s this weird combo of exhaustion and but they just keep shaking and vibrating – it’s made typing this post very interesting. One thing I would like to point out though is I am becoming more interested in getting a training buddy, someone who will keep me motivated and I for them, someone who will spot me when I’m doing weights etc. Before this never appealed to me because of my shoulder injury, but now that I have regained some muscle in the area and it’s not dislocating daily for example I would like to go further. Two things that are holding me back – no matter how much weight I loose I still see myself as morbidly obese and the other thing is being a gay guy bulking up and body building is not seen as kosher.

Do they even let gay guys into the free weights section among all the alpha males? It’s times like this I miss my trainer, Evan, he really was the highlight to my week before he moved back home to the states. Obama (I’m going to assume you’re reading this) please send Evan back he really is the greatest export you have (besides Reese’s Pieces obviously).

Come what may with my relationship at least I am going to look freaking good come summer.

Until later
G

P.S. If anyone read last nights blog post (options???) I’m still looking for input / feedback.

OPTIONS???

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Hi gang

As I said in a post previously my current partner has just come out as Asexual. This revelation came after he read some of my notes for my thesis.

Things that have come out of our discussions thus far…
1) He felt pressured into being intimate with me in the past.
2) He never really enjoyed the times that we were intimate.
3) If he is never intimate again he wouldn’t mind.
4) He is happy to pleasure himself, just not with me in the room.

So yeah, that has been a kick in the guts. My ego has taken a fair bruising as I want to feel desirable and being intimate helps reinforce that. Without the intimacy I feel as though you are not fully connected to a person. If you’re only connected mentally or emotionally then that is only a good strong friendship not a coupling or partnership.

Do I still care for him? Yes
Do I still want to be with him? I don’t know anymore.
How do I feel about him right now? Betrayed, kind of like he lied to me all this time about who he really was.

I guess it’s better to find out now then 10-12 years down the track.

So the way I see it I have 3 options…
1) I am forced into becoming celebate of sorts. This does not appeal at all.
2) I break it off. After having to start again after a 10 year relationship a few years ago, starting over again after a 3 year relationship is definitely unappealing.
3) I stay with him but have a person on the side for recreational purposes. Is it weird that that seems to be the only one that works (in my head anyway)

I don’t know gang.

Do any of you have any helpful suggestions or advice?

Until later
G

IMAGINARY DINNER PARTY

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Hi gang

I would love to ask you all a question, and I would love to hear your answers… If you could invite 5 people (Dead or Alive) to dinner who would they be, why would you invite them and what would you serve for dinner?

WHO I WOULD INVITE:

1) MERVYN PEAKE – He is the author of one of my favourite series on the entire planet, the Gormenghast Trilogy. I would love to quiz him about the books and have him sign my illustrated copy. It is because of his work that I prefer to ask why, than just follow the world blindly.

2) BEN COHEN – English rugby player and founder of the Stand-up foundation. This man is a gentle giant, very clever business man but has such a generous heart for being a spokesperson for those bullied because they are different to the “norm”. I would just invite him to say thank you for all the great work he has done.

3) TIM BURTON – Director and Producer. This man has been such an inspiration to me and my artistic / writing process. nothing you do is ever wasted and can fuel better stories in the future. I would love to convince him to make the original Wizard of Oz book into a movie and this time include all the dark parts which the other movie didn’t even look at.

4) SIMON CURTIS – Music producer and song writer. A nice collection of tracks under his belt this guys music penetrates my soul with its thoughtful lyrics and great base beats. I would love to hear about his experiences in the music industry being an artist who record labels seem to avoid so much and find out why.

5) MIRANDA HART – One of the funniest women in the world (it really was a toss up between Miranda or Dawn French). Hilarious writer and comedian I would love to just have her to dinner because I think she would be incredible company for an evening.

WHAT WOULD BE THE MENU:

ENTREE: Deep fried Camembert with cranberry sauce
Selection of finger foods
Selection of wines and beers

MAINS: Selection of roast meats – Chicken, Lamb, Pork
Vegetable bake made with season vegetable.
Steamed vegetables
Califlower with cheese / white sauce
Scallop potatoes
Selection of salads
Selection of Wines and Beers

DESSERT: Selection of small pies and tarts
e.g. Pumpkin Pie, Apple Pie, Lemon Curd Tart
Hot Chocolates
Green Tea
Loose leaf tea
Drippy coffee

I wonder if they would be happy with that?

Until later
G

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